Update on the romantic situation

I have successfully managed to convince D that we cannot discuss marriage or anything of that sort until he gets back from deployment, but I gave in on the dating thing, with the understanding that I am still emotionally retarded and I can't give any assurances on when that will end. What I could give him is the ability to call me girlfriend and I imagine he is feeling more secure and less lonely even though we are still 3and a half hours apart. Frankly, that's what makes this all possible for me. We can't be together all the time so I can just deal with my life and all I have to do is call him at night and visit every once in a while, which I would do even if we weren't dating, so....yay.
I was watching Studio 60 on the internet at work yesterday (don't judge, you would too if you could get away with it), and one of the characters found out that his brother had been captured in Afghanistan and was being held hostage. The character basically went nuts trying to just figure out what was going on and I started to cry. I do not want to go through that, but I know that it's possible, even probable that I will go through something similar. There will be times when I don't know where he is or if he is ok. Life is strange.

I'm sorry, but I can't marry you......

Gaaah!! Remember how I was hoping to be stronger from the very nice distraction of sex with a friend? I'm an idiot!!! I may be in worse shape than when I started. (mental note: friends with benefits situations while still reeling from a break-up and miscarriage BAD IDEA!!!) I feel guilty most of the time...guilty that I can't return D's feelings...guilty that I'm betraying my left over feelings for J....guilty that I'm not being really honest with anyone about my feelings because I can't seem to articulate them in a way that makes any kind of sense...guilty that D is being so NICE and helping me move my massive amounts of SHIT to my new apartment and even dealing with my parents and not ONCE complaining about any of it!!!
Now I'm in this terrible confusion about J and if I'm still in love with him. I know that I SHOULDN'T be in love with him but I'm not sure if I'm really over him considering I still stare at my phone and contemplate starting a text conversation with him...about once a day. I am a sick, sick puppy! damn myspace and their infernal survey questions!!! The good news? I haven't burst into tears at all today! UGH!!!

Damnit, I forgot about the title...D wants to get married, to me! He told his mom that he was going to marry me! Hello!! Not in love and 9 YEARS older than you! Somebody just shoot me! Even if I thought it was remotely a good idea to marry someone nine years my junior that I'm not in love with, how could I possibly do that to someone else, knowing it was a massive mistake?

Also: saw Pirates 3 LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!