I was outed....

D found out about this blog last night. I made the mistake of mentioning that I had to look up how to spell Afghanistan and he wanted to know why. After a long process of questions on his part, when I debated whether or not to tell him the truth, I finally admitted that I wrote in an online journal which is not for friend and family viewing. He wanted to know why and I explained that it would be like him asking to read my diary, which he agreed he would never do. After promising to never write anything bad about him without telling him about it so that he can fix it, he dropped the subject.

Update on the romantic situation

I have successfully managed to convince D that we cannot discuss marriage or anything of that sort until he gets back from deployment, but I gave in on the dating thing, with the understanding that I am still emotionally retarded and I can't give any assurances on when that will end. What I could give him is the ability to call me girlfriend and I imagine he is feeling more secure and less lonely even though we are still 3and a half hours apart. Frankly, that's what makes this all possible for me. We can't be together all the time so I can just deal with my life and all I have to do is call him at night and visit every once in a while, which I would do even if we weren't dating, so....yay.
I was watching Studio 60 on the internet at work yesterday (don't judge, you would too if you could get away with it), and one of the characters found out that his brother had been captured in Afghanistan and was being held hostage. The character basically went nuts trying to just figure out what was going on and I started to cry. I do not want to go through that, but I know that it's possible, even probable that I will go through something similar. There will be times when I don't know where he is or if he is ok. Life is strange.

Check it ya'll, arm muscles!!!

I am now officially living in a new address and my friends having standing orders to slap me in the face the next time I get the brilliant idea to move.

I haven't had much to blog about lately other than the sadness sucking at me and D and the confusion about him and life in general, so I started thinking about what else I could write about. I was visiting a site the other day that really got me thinking. A woman was, through several entries, discussing the long road that led to her first kiss. It was beautiful and a little tragic, but it made me think about all the silly stories I have told over the years and about all the adventures I had that no one knows about but the ones that were actually there. So I think when I just can't write about what I'm feeling anymore, I will write about something I remember. Enjoy.

P.S. S, some of these stories may seem familiar, but I'll try not to be boring.

So it turns out...

that D was really serious about the marriage thing, which I had begun to suspect. Even if I loved him, how could that possibly make it better? I feel terrible for him, but I know it would be worse for both of us if I cut off our friendship. He's in love with me and I don't know what to do about it or if there is anything TO do. I'm usually the girl with the advice, I'm the one with answers, but I'm fresh out right now.

I'm sorry, but I can't marry you......

Gaaah!! Remember how I was hoping to be stronger from the very nice distraction of sex with a friend? I'm an idiot!!! I may be in worse shape than when I started. (mental note: friends with benefits situations while still reeling from a break-up and miscarriage BAD IDEA!!!) I feel guilty most of the time...guilty that I can't return D's feelings...guilty that I'm betraying my left over feelings for J....guilty that I'm not being really honest with anyone about my feelings because I can't seem to articulate them in a way that makes any kind of sense...guilty that D is being so NICE and helping me move my massive amounts of SHIT to my new apartment and even dealing with my parents and not ONCE complaining about any of it!!!
Now I'm in this terrible confusion about J and if I'm still in love with him. I know that I SHOULDN'T be in love with him but I'm not sure if I'm really over him considering I still stare at my phone and contemplate starting a text conversation with him...about once a day. I am a sick, sick puppy! damn myspace and their infernal survey questions!!! The good news? I haven't burst into tears at all today! UGH!!!

Damnit, I forgot about the title...D wants to get married, to me! He told his mom that he was going to marry me! Hello!! Not in love and 9 YEARS older than you! Somebody just shoot me! Even if I thought it was remotely a good idea to marry someone nine years my junior that I'm not in love with, how could I possibly do that to someone else, knowing it was a massive mistake?

Also: saw Pirates 3 LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

Drink up baby down...are you in or are you out?

Leave your things behind cuz it's all going on without you.....

I have entered into a "friends with benefits" situation with someone I have known for over a year now, but only recently became close with. He confessed some strong feelings for me that I cannot reciprocate due to an unfortunate amount of emotional baggage (see previous entries). He understands and has been great about the whole thing. We decided to see each other while he is home on leave from the army and go back to being just friends when he leaves again. (Have I mentioned that he is my ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend? Yeah, we often joke about being ideal candidates for the Springer show. It gets better, he offered to marry me when I found out I was pregnant and J wanted nothing to do with it.) The only thing that saves me from feeling like a complete jackass about the whole thing is that we have the same feelings of frustrated worry/affection for J. The only thing I can do is enjoy what time we have together and try not to fuck it up completely when it's over, I know that he needs my support just as much as I need his, maybe more. So... this is either a genius idea that will allow the two of us to combat the loneliness for a little while and we'll both be stronger for it, or it will be one of the multitudes of relationship decisions that I will regret and feel guilty about later. Here's to being stronger!!

Update....

I went to my very first therapy session this morning and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I was really nervous this morning and the half a dozen wrecks I passed on my way were not reasuring. Traffic was crappy and I can't wait to avoid the massive construction zone that I have been victim to for the last two years when I move. (Yay moving!) Anyway, I wasn't sure how much a man would be able to help me with the grief and confusion, but the most important thing that I got from the experience is that it's OK that I'm upset and confused, it's OK that I'm having trouble, I don't have to feel guilty for not being able to handle a break-up, a miscarriage, and the rest of my life at the same time. It's OK that I messed up and it's OK that I need a little more time before I jump right in to the stress of school.