Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I'm sorry, but I can't marry you......

Gaaah!! Remember how I was hoping to be stronger from the very nice distraction of sex with a friend? I'm an idiot!!! I may be in worse shape than when I started. (mental note: friends with benefits situations while still reeling from a break-up and miscarriage BAD IDEA!!!) I feel guilty most of the time...guilty that I can't return D's feelings...guilty that I'm betraying my left over feelings for J....guilty that I'm not being really honest with anyone about my feelings because I can't seem to articulate them in a way that makes any kind of sense...guilty that D is being so NICE and helping me move my massive amounts of SHIT to my new apartment and even dealing with my parents and not ONCE complaining about any of it!!!
Now I'm in this terrible confusion about J and if I'm still in love with him. I know that I SHOULDN'T be in love with him but I'm not sure if I'm really over him considering I still stare at my phone and contemplate starting a text conversation with him...about once a day. I am a sick, sick puppy! damn myspace and their infernal survey questions!!! The good news? I haven't burst into tears at all today! UGH!!!

Damnit, I forgot about the title...D wants to get married, to me! He told his mom that he was going to marry me! Hello!! Not in love and 9 YEARS older than you! Somebody just shoot me! Even if I thought it was remotely a good idea to marry someone nine years my junior that I'm not in love with, how could I possibly do that to someone else, knowing it was a massive mistake?

Also: saw Pirates 3 LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

No comments: