Do not, I repeat do not read this if you haven't finished Harry Potter #7

Oh. My. God. Can we talk about, for just a second, the dorkiest thing that ever was, full-on adults practically peeing their pants in excitement for the release of a children's book?

Yep I was among them. Gleefully I might add. Be warned that if you haven't finished the book, there WILL be spoilers because I waited nearly a week people, and I can't wait any longer, if you are still reading, come back later and read no further! (Note: Yeah, I got distracted and I'm finishing this MUCH later, maybe I just needed to think about it some more...or maybe I'm just lazy...it's probably the second one.) Also, to those of you who have no interest or who read about it on the internet just to see if Harry dies (Mom)...... I just don't know...maybe you will be interested in what I write about next...or not.













Ok, I'm a complete geek and started to sniffle when Voldemort told Beatrix that Tonks and Lupin got married, because how can you not be happy that in the midst of such tragedy the two of them reached out for a little happiness? (especially since it ended too soon?) This was on , what, page 5? It only went downhill from there. I started out reading at Red Lobster which was right down the road from my B&N of choice. (I was hungry and wanted some serious pasta! mmm, cajun chicken! mmm, cheddar biscuits! score!) While I waited for a table, two little girls were leaving and one of them said to the other, "Look, she's reading the Harry Potter book!" Obviously, children of good taste... :) Yes, I started reading it before I even got a table.

It became apparent that I really needed to read this in private when Hermione talked about her parents and the spell she put on them so that they would be safe and not worry about her. The blubbering was sort of embarrassing and I went home to finish the book. (I know that I said that I would take my time, but frankly, I'm not sure if I'm even capable of it.)

Some of my favorite parts (or when I cried the hardest):

• Hedwig died. I can't say that I was really upset, but it seemed like it should have had more significance considering she was Harry's pet and companion for the last few years and the only friend he had when living with the Dursleys.

• Mad-eye Moody died here too, but I was way more concerned for George and his missing ear. And how awesome was it that Fred and George looked at near death and dismemberment (well, almost) as just another excuse to joke.

• The wedding...not because of the wedding itself, but because we saw Luna again and I ADORE me some Luna. I love that character, she's the one person who really gets Harry when he can't even figure out what he wants or feels himself. She is also this free spirit that truly doesn't care what other people think of her, which is something I strive for, but never quite get there.

• Kreacher....and his great turn-around. Harry finally got it that Kreacher just wanted a little respect and to truly feel needed again. (Poor Kreacher, carrying around the guilt of not being able to fulfill his favorite master's last request of him.)

• When Harry nailed it to Lupin for running out on his family responsibilities. Hermione and Ron thought he was too harsh but I didn't think he was harsh enough. How sad is it when a teenager needs to tell you how to be a man? I was relieved that he did get it together eventually.

• That Ron left....I think he needed to be the angry one this time and he needed to know that he could come back...that the friendship between the three of them was strong enough. Also, I think he needed to save the day for once...he needed to know that he could be the strong one...the smart one.

• When Harry finally laid it all out for Ron.. Hermione likes you, not me. She's like a sister to me, duh! Make out with her, already, just not in front of me! Eww!

• When Dobby died...oh the tears! I loved Dobby, I think loads of people did. The fact that Harry was so broken up about it and took the time to actually dig a whole and bury him said a lot about his character.

• That Neville was the rebel on campus while Harry, Ron and Hermione were away. For the last couple of books, Neville has been coming into his own, it was great to see that he was capable of greatness, too, even though the whole prophesy thing was sort of dropped.
  

• When Ron and Hermione made out...finally!

• The walk through Snape's memories....Ha! He WAS in love with Lily. So, we finally learned about Snape's motivations and it all revolved around his unrequited love for Lily Potter. Snape wasn't evil, but he wasn't really good either. All the good things he did at Dumbledore's request were about the guilt over Lily's death and he never did see Harry for the person he actually was, he just saw his hatred for James. Snape lived a very sad life and I can't help feeling sorry for someone who never seemed to experience any joy.

• The fight for Hogwarts was awesome but why oh why did she have to kill Fred? I was SOBBING people, sobbing! I had to put the book down for a couple of minutes, I couldn't even see it, I was crying so hard.
  

• When Harry dies...but doesn't really. Harry finally sees Dumbledore for the flawed human being that he is, and it's ok that his hero isn't perfect. This is where he gets it for the first time, where he learns how to defeat Voldemort.

• When it looks like Harry is dead and Professor McGonagall screams. I love her, she's the teacher I want to be.

• When Neville kills the snake, Nagini, the last of the Horcruxes with the sword of Gryffindor that Voldemort practically handed to him.
  

• The house elves led by Kreacher fighting the Death Eaters!

• Mrs. Weasley kicking Beatrix's ASS! "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" Hee. I wish Mrs. Weasley would adopt me.

• Harry kills Voldemort, not because he is the better wizard, but because Voldemort once again miscalculated and his killing curse backfired into his face.

• The epilogue....Harry and Ginny get married...Ron and Hermione get married. Teddy seems to be part of the family. And yay Neville! He's the Herbology professor. Draco's still an ass, but whatever, no surprise there.
  

Stuff I didn't like:

• Lupin and Tonks died. At least they died together and their son completes a circle that started with Harry and ends with Teddy.

• Fred dies. Poor Fred.

• Draco never switches sides. He never really DOES anything to make up for what he's done. The only thing the Malfoys manage to do is refuse to fight and cause more damage. In fact, I can't remember ANY of the Slytherins actually doing any good. Bunch of fuckers.

• The epilogue doesn't really tell you anything about their lives other than they're ok but J.K. Rowling gives more info in an interview you can find here.
  

Ok, I tried linking it, but it didn't work...just copy and paste this..... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19959323/

Breakin up is hard to do....

Me: Do you think it's too early to change my relationship status on myspace from "in a relationship" to "single"?

S: No. Too early would have been 5 minutes after you broke up with him.

S: Actually...too early would have been 5 minutes BEFORE you broke up with him.

Hee.

Angel Face

Angel Cat

I have been surrounded by pets most of my life, usually cats. My mom is not an animal person, so all the various cats and dogs have been outside pets. Since I grew up in the country in the middle of nowhere, that wasn't a problem. We had fish, rodents, rabbits, dogs and cats; so it wasn't a surprise that as soon as I had a place of my own there would be pets of some sort to keep me company. I started out with one cat, a devious crabass with black fur and a pointy, siamese face. He was a pain in the ass, but I loved him, I even loved the tricks he would play on me. He had that superior cat face down pat. Stinker, I miss him. He just disappeared one day, to torment someone else, or to die quietly somewhere, I don't know. Before Domino did the houdini, I brought home Angel to join us. Domino was less than thrilled. He regularly tried to fling her off the loft railing, and stomped her ass every chance he got. She took it all in stride and continues to take everything in stride, mostly because she's not the brightest crayon in the box. She is the prettiest, though. I've always been her favorite person, though she has more than enough love to go around and she doesn't hesitate to give it to anyone visiting us.

How can you resist this face?

Pretty girl...my Angel Face
How she came into my life is an interesting story....I dated a boy for nine years and we lived together for a few of those years. His divorced dad met a woman on the internet, spoke to her for months and fell in love. The catch was she lived in the Ukraine...after months of red-tape and visits (he traveled to the Ukraine a couple of times before they tied the knot), he went for the last time to bring her and her son here to live, with their very pregnant cat in tow. Angel is one of those kittens. So, I have a foreign kitty...and boy was that obvious at first. Larissa spoke to the cats in Ukrainian and she didn't seem to understand english at first or how to speak kitty english. (She made these funny squeaking noises instead of the normal meows for her first few weeks with us.) After about the fifth time Domino had tried to fling her off the loft railing she had figured it out and gave him hell in a language he could understand. Since then, you would never know unless I told you. We have been buddies for....seven years now.

broken

more broken than i thought
more than i can fix
what did you want from me?
what did you expect?
still broken
you don't know what you want
can't figure out how to live
i'm so tired
so tired of loving you
so tired of wondering if you are OK
what did i learn?
someone can think you are amazing, the very best
and it's still not enough
i'm still waiting
waiting to be enough

Rant for the people who make up Flicker quiz questions without visiting IMDB first

whew!!! That's a long title but it is certainly needed.


To person who creates Flicker quiz questions without visiting IMDB first,
Dammit Johnny Depp was NOT in "Interview with the Vampire"! Armand was played by Antonio Banderas you stupid, stupid fucker!!!! I was RIGHT and you were WRONG!!!!!! Go to IMDB and check your facts you waste of space and stop thinking you can make up quiz questions and make me think I'm wrong cuz I'm RIGHT fucker, and you just cost me ten fucking points with your nonsense!!!!!!!
Thank you,
Bri

Travel for less

I have taken a lot of trips in my day and most of them for very little money. I've been thinking about starting another blog that would be dedicated exclusively to travel, both past and future, with tons of pictures. As soon as I find the USB cord for my camera, I'll get one started.

damn allergies!!!

While sitting in my chair at work just now, the room took a spin. The catch? I was sitting still.

I was outed....

D found out about this blog last night. I made the mistake of mentioning that I had to look up how to spell Afghanistan and he wanted to know why. After a long process of questions on his part, when I debated whether or not to tell him the truth, I finally admitted that I wrote in an online journal which is not for friend and family viewing. He wanted to know why and I explained that it would be like him asking to read my diary, which he agreed he would never do. After promising to never write anything bad about him without telling him about it so that he can fix it, he dropped the subject.

Update on the romantic situation

I have successfully managed to convince D that we cannot discuss marriage or anything of that sort until he gets back from deployment, but I gave in on the dating thing, with the understanding that I am still emotionally retarded and I can't give any assurances on when that will end. What I could give him is the ability to call me girlfriend and I imagine he is feeling more secure and less lonely even though we are still 3and a half hours apart. Frankly, that's what makes this all possible for me. We can't be together all the time so I can just deal with my life and all I have to do is call him at night and visit every once in a while, which I would do even if we weren't dating, so....yay.
I was watching Studio 60 on the internet at work yesterday (don't judge, you would too if you could get away with it), and one of the characters found out that his brother had been captured in Afghanistan and was being held hostage. The character basically went nuts trying to just figure out what was going on and I started to cry. I do not want to go through that, but I know that it's possible, even probable that I will go through something similar. There will be times when I don't know where he is or if he is ok. Life is strange.

Check it ya'll, arm muscles!!!

I am now officially living in a new address and my friends having standing orders to slap me in the face the next time I get the brilliant idea to move.

I haven't had much to blog about lately other than the sadness sucking at me and D and the confusion about him and life in general, so I started thinking about what else I could write about. I was visiting a site the other day that really got me thinking. A woman was, through several entries, discussing the long road that led to her first kiss. It was beautiful and a little tragic, but it made me think about all the silly stories I have told over the years and about all the adventures I had that no one knows about but the ones that were actually there. So I think when I just can't write about what I'm feeling anymore, I will write about something I remember. Enjoy.

P.S. S, some of these stories may seem familiar, but I'll try not to be boring.

So it turns out...

that D was really serious about the marriage thing, which I had begun to suspect. Even if I loved him, how could that possibly make it better? I feel terrible for him, but I know it would be worse for both of us if I cut off our friendship. He's in love with me and I don't know what to do about it or if there is anything TO do. I'm usually the girl with the advice, I'm the one with answers, but I'm fresh out right now.

I'm sorry, but I can't marry you......

Gaaah!! Remember how I was hoping to be stronger from the very nice distraction of sex with a friend? I'm an idiot!!! I may be in worse shape than when I started. (mental note: friends with benefits situations while still reeling from a break-up and miscarriage BAD IDEA!!!) I feel guilty most of the time...guilty that I can't return D's feelings...guilty that I'm betraying my left over feelings for J....guilty that I'm not being really honest with anyone about my feelings because I can't seem to articulate them in a way that makes any kind of sense...guilty that D is being so NICE and helping me move my massive amounts of SHIT to my new apartment and even dealing with my parents and not ONCE complaining about any of it!!!
Now I'm in this terrible confusion about J and if I'm still in love with him. I know that I SHOULDN'T be in love with him but I'm not sure if I'm really over him considering I still stare at my phone and contemplate starting a text conversation with him...about once a day. I am a sick, sick puppy! damn myspace and their infernal survey questions!!! The good news? I haven't burst into tears at all today! UGH!!!

Damnit, I forgot about the title...D wants to get married, to me! He told his mom that he was going to marry me! Hello!! Not in love and 9 YEARS older than you! Somebody just shoot me! Even if I thought it was remotely a good idea to marry someone nine years my junior that I'm not in love with, how could I possibly do that to someone else, knowing it was a massive mistake?

Also: saw Pirates 3 LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

Drink up baby down...are you in or are you out?

Leave your things behind cuz it's all going on without you.....

I have entered into a "friends with benefits" situation with someone I have known for over a year now, but only recently became close with. He confessed some strong feelings for me that I cannot reciprocate due to an unfortunate amount of emotional baggage (see previous entries). He understands and has been great about the whole thing. We decided to see each other while he is home on leave from the army and go back to being just friends when he leaves again. (Have I mentioned that he is my ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend? Yeah, we often joke about being ideal candidates for the Springer show. It gets better, he offered to marry me when I found out I was pregnant and J wanted nothing to do with it.) The only thing that saves me from feeling like a complete jackass about the whole thing is that we have the same feelings of frustrated worry/affection for J. The only thing I can do is enjoy what time we have together and try not to fuck it up completely when it's over, I know that he needs my support just as much as I need his, maybe more. So... this is either a genius idea that will allow the two of us to combat the loneliness for a little while and we'll both be stronger for it, or it will be one of the multitudes of relationship decisions that I will regret and feel guilty about later. Here's to being stronger!!

Update....

I went to my very first therapy session this morning and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I was really nervous this morning and the half a dozen wrecks I passed on my way were not reasuring. Traffic was crappy and I can't wait to avoid the massive construction zone that I have been victim to for the last two years when I move. (Yay moving!) Anyway, I wasn't sure how much a man would be able to help me with the grief and confusion, but the most important thing that I got from the experience is that it's OK that I'm upset and confused, it's OK that I'm having trouble, I don't have to feel guilty for not being able to handle a break-up, a miscarriage, and the rest of my life at the same time. It's OK that I messed up and it's OK that I need a little more time before I jump right in to the stress of school.

I'm sorry, but I could never date you...

I can't remember exactly how this conversation started or why I felt the need to share this particular tidbit of information, but......my friend, Sarah and I were talking about changing clothes in our cars in broad daylight. (I'm not usually a stripper, but I have had to play quick change artist a few times) Somehow that evolved to a game of "If I were a lesbian" where I told her that in no uncertain terms that as lovely as she is, I would never be able to sleep with her because I am freaked out by big boobs being a small boobed girl myself. Hee. I think she was disappointed.

I have resolved to take more pictures....

This is the sad patheticness that i have been reduced to over laundry....I went to Kmart today to buy a tanktop that would go with my new espedrilles so that I wouldn't actually have to WASH the INCREDIBLE amount of tanktops that I already own. The good news is that I bought two in the same color, but different styles cuz I don't have any in that particular color.

I just realized that it is mother's day this weekend and I don't think I can take another visit of pretending that there is nothing wrong with me, nor do I want to explain to the family what IS wrong with me. rock and a hard place

I found a new apartment last week in the city so that I can move from yet another small town where I don't actually know anyone. I have to spend the night there tomorrow night so that I can have the gas turned on. (The lady on the phone couldn't give me a smaller window than 7:30am-5:oopm!) Keep in mind that I haven't actually moving ANYTHING into this apartment yet. So, my plan at this point is to pack some picnic food and sodas and books and some boxes of stuff for the kitchen so the day won't go to waste. It would be nice if they show up early in the day, but I'm not that lucky.

I'm also going to take some before and after photos and post them so that the one person who reads this can get the full effect. (Granted, she is the only person I have told about this blog, but still...)

it is dangerous to be happy

I was on my blogwalk today at work when I came across an entry from Woulda Coulda Shoulda
that really spoke to me. The link is to the entire entry, but these are the words that stuck with me.
"...it is dangerous to be happy.
When you love people, when you allow them to become indispensable parts of your life, they will leave a hole behind if they leave you. And by 'Leave you' I don't just mean packing up and taking off, I mean anything that takes them out of your life, there are a million ways that can happen, and the end result is the same: Loss."

If there was one thing that I had the nerve to say, it would be this..."What do you really want your life to be about? What do you want it to say about you? Do you really want the sum of your life to be a college degree and a pile of bodies? Cuz, my friend, that is the direction in which you are heading."

It's 3am and I can't sleep

I'm blogwalking at 3am and I could probably sleep but I really don't want to and the only thing on television is paid programing....on USA is an AeroGarden...for some reason I don't have sound on this channel so I don't know what the deal is but they have lots of shots of families with this space-age looking thing that looks like a mini garden on the countertop....my very first thought when seeing this thing was..."Wow, imagine how easy it would be to grow pot in that thing!" I've never smoked anything in my entire life and that was my first thought when seeing this product, imagine what the weirdos normally up at this hour could come up with! Here...I found it on the net...doesn't it look like something from the jetson's?

http://www.mysecretpantry.com/theaerogardenrebate.asp

Conversations on crack

Most of the time, I'm the most laid-back, calmest person you will ever meet.....the rest of the time, I'm like a four year old hopped-up on sugar, or crack...whatever. Here are some tidbits of a conversation I had while experiencing the latter.


Me: "A person just ran past the door."
K: "What? Who?"
Me: "A person....well....a small person."
K: "Huh?"
Me: "A small child-like person. Wait...there they go again! This is a university, what is a small, child-like person doing in the hallway?"
K: "Uh...?" (I do that to people a lot.)

Update

Late sunday, I started my period....everything seems to be normal and boy, am I relieved to get my body back.

Some random stuff to talk about

Since the beginning of this whole pregnancy thing, I've been talking to my younger sister, who has had her share of crappy boyfriends and got pregnant with a slacker boyfriend, therefore preparing my mother for the disappointment of daughters who can't seem to do things in the appropriate, neighbor aproved, order. (Yeah, I'm knocked up, at least I know who the father is, unlike those bitches on Maury, which by the way is so incredibly sad and I can't even imagine what would motivate a person to do that on tv.)

This is the day of run-on sentences.

Aaanyway, we talk on the phone nearly every day now which is something that rarely happened even when we shared a bedroom. (Or maybe because we shared a bedroom) We have talked about everything under the sun and something came up the other day that I wanted to share.

I thought there was something living in our closet that stole toys when I was little. Things disappeared and I never saw them again and I was convinced that some sort of troll or gnome or something equally scary lived in our closet and ate toys. I was actually afraid of the closet, but never told my parents. No joke. I had a pretty vivid imagination as a child, but I had completely forgotten about the toy eating gnome until my sister and I were discussing some of the toys I bought for my nephew, just for the sole purpose of annoying the crap out of my sister. (yeah, I'm that kind of aunt) She admitted that if her son receives a toy that breaks or if he loses pieces to a game that is then unplayable, she will throw it away. (Holy crap, that's what mom did!) All this time, in the back of my mind, there lived a scary gnome that ate toys like dryers gnomes eat socks, when in really it was just my mom! (Or was it?)

Update...

So, my HCG levels have practically bottomed out...no baby. After a day and a half of tears and soul searching, I think I'm ok about it. My body still thinks its pregnant, which is the hardest part to deal with. I thought most of it may have been in my imagination until I met a friend for lunch today and she exclaimed, "Good God, what's going on with your BOOBS!!" So, yeah, they are definitely bigger. Damnit. Now, I guess I just wait for my body to get with the program and go back to normal. I'm due for my period this week....keeping my fingers crossed. I know that no one is really reading this, but it helps to say it out loud, I think I'm going to take my nurse's advice and take advantage of the counseling services on campus. I just think that talking out the events of the last few months with someone objective could be helpful. I still don't know why I was getting positives on the HPT tests I was taking...if anyone does read this, please be careful with First Response Early Results Home Pregnancy tests. They can read hormone levels way below what even their website will tell you.

Ok, so here's the latest....

I have come to the realization that my uterus is a freak of nature, there is no other explanation for the positive and negative HPTs, the low HGC levels and the utter lack of period. I'm about to make the nurse at school cry, I know it. She has no idea why I can still get a positive on an HPT, early results test or not. I took a pee test at the office and sure enough it was negative even though I had taken a HPT this morning which gave me, for the first time, two really dark pink lines.
*Yay, no more faint lines to confuse the issue even more!*
She drew blood for another beta test, neither one of us has any idea what it will show. I find out tomorrow.....something....though probably nothing resembling an answer. *sigh* No matter what the result, I'm going to ask for a copy of the report and take it to the health dept. Hopefully, that will at least get me a medical card so that I can go to a real doctor. Keepin' my fingers crossed and I'll keep ya posted.

tv

After the bummer of the last entry, I thought I would talk about something lighter while we wait. (I don't know anything more at this point, though I have applied for a medical card so that I can see a doctor, which I need to do no matter what.)

I'm going to follow a format that Jen uses often to talk about some of my favorite tv shows.......

Gilmore Girls-
Still don't know if they are coming back next season....I'll miss them if they don't, but this season has sucked and everyone knows it...Wouldn't it be nice if they could end the show on a high note rather than a crappy one? One more season anyone?

24-
"Damn, Jack!" I knew Audrey was still alive, I didn't expect her to be back this season. Hee. Well, this is new. Two missons in 24 hours or a set-up for the 24 movie? I don't know about most people, but I'm really enjoying the ride.

Grey's Anatomy-
I took the quiz on the website and apparently I'm an Addison, strong and confident but unlucky in love. How did they know? :) I am totally annoyed with the idea of George and Izzie together, not because I don't like Izzie, but because I actually like Callie. Come on, a smart, sexy woman that isn't a size 4, what's not to love? They need Callie to balance Mere and her scary skinnyness. Besides, what's up with those frown lines she suddenly devoloped next to her mouth? Is anyone else freaked out by this? Isn't she supposed to be 26 or so? The rest of the interns look like teenagers in comparison!

Lost-
I'm having some doubts about Juliet, but not the doubts the producers would like me to have. I think she has an agenda, but I don't think it's Ben's agenda. There was something about the look on her face after Ben gave her her instructions....like the look on my face when I have finally lost my patience and my temper. I think she has her own plan...not sure what yet. Jack annoys the crap out of me and has for some time now. His "my way or the highway" attitude is really getting old. I've never thought he and Kate should be together, he would never be able to accept her or understand her past.