So it turns out...

that D was really serious about the marriage thing, which I had begun to suspect. Even if I loved him, how could that possibly make it better? I feel terrible for him, but I know it would be worse for both of us if I cut off our friendship. He's in love with me and I don't know what to do about it or if there is anything TO do. I'm usually the girl with the advice, I'm the one with answers, but I'm fresh out right now.

I'm sorry, but I can't marry you......

Gaaah!! Remember how I was hoping to be stronger from the very nice distraction of sex with a friend? I'm an idiot!!! I may be in worse shape than when I started. (mental note: friends with benefits situations while still reeling from a break-up and miscarriage BAD IDEA!!!) I feel guilty most of the time...guilty that I can't return D's feelings...guilty that I'm betraying my left over feelings for J....guilty that I'm not being really honest with anyone about my feelings because I can't seem to articulate them in a way that makes any kind of sense...guilty that D is being so NICE and helping me move my massive amounts of SHIT to my new apartment and even dealing with my parents and not ONCE complaining about any of it!!!
Now I'm in this terrible confusion about J and if I'm still in love with him. I know that I SHOULDN'T be in love with him but I'm not sure if I'm really over him considering I still stare at my phone and contemplate starting a text conversation with him...about once a day. I am a sick, sick puppy! damn myspace and their infernal survey questions!!! The good news? I haven't burst into tears at all today! UGH!!!

Damnit, I forgot about the title...D wants to get married, to me! He told his mom that he was going to marry me! Hello!! Not in love and 9 YEARS older than you! Somebody just shoot me! Even if I thought it was remotely a good idea to marry someone nine years my junior that I'm not in love with, how could I possibly do that to someone else, knowing it was a massive mistake?

Also: saw Pirates 3 LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!

Drink up baby down...are you in or are you out?

Leave your things behind cuz it's all going on without you.....

I have entered into a "friends with benefits" situation with someone I have known for over a year now, but only recently became close with. He confessed some strong feelings for me that I cannot reciprocate due to an unfortunate amount of emotional baggage (see previous entries). He understands and has been great about the whole thing. We decided to see each other while he is home on leave from the army and go back to being just friends when he leaves again. (Have I mentioned that he is my ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend? Yeah, we often joke about being ideal candidates for the Springer show. It gets better, he offered to marry me when I found out I was pregnant and J wanted nothing to do with it.) The only thing that saves me from feeling like a complete jackass about the whole thing is that we have the same feelings of frustrated worry/affection for J. The only thing I can do is enjoy what time we have together and try not to fuck it up completely when it's over, I know that he needs my support just as much as I need his, maybe more. So... this is either a genius idea that will allow the two of us to combat the loneliness for a little while and we'll both be stronger for it, or it will be one of the multitudes of relationship decisions that I will regret and feel guilty about later. Here's to being stronger!!

Update....

I went to my very first therapy session this morning and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I was really nervous this morning and the half a dozen wrecks I passed on my way were not reasuring. Traffic was crappy and I can't wait to avoid the massive construction zone that I have been victim to for the last two years when I move. (Yay moving!) Anyway, I wasn't sure how much a man would be able to help me with the grief and confusion, but the most important thing that I got from the experience is that it's OK that I'm upset and confused, it's OK that I'm having trouble, I don't have to feel guilty for not being able to handle a break-up, a miscarriage, and the rest of my life at the same time. It's OK that I messed up and it's OK that I need a little more time before I jump right in to the stress of school.

I'm sorry, but I could never date you...

I can't remember exactly how this conversation started or why I felt the need to share this particular tidbit of information, but......my friend, Sarah and I were talking about changing clothes in our cars in broad daylight. (I'm not usually a stripper, but I have had to play quick change artist a few times) Somehow that evolved to a game of "If I were a lesbian" where I told her that in no uncertain terms that as lovely as she is, I would never be able to sleep with her because I am freaked out by big boobs being a small boobed girl myself. Hee. I think she was disappointed.

I have resolved to take more pictures....

This is the sad patheticness that i have been reduced to over laundry....I went to Kmart today to buy a tanktop that would go with my new espedrilles so that I wouldn't actually have to WASH the INCREDIBLE amount of tanktops that I already own. The good news is that I bought two in the same color, but different styles cuz I don't have any in that particular color.

I just realized that it is mother's day this weekend and I don't think I can take another visit of pretending that there is nothing wrong with me, nor do I want to explain to the family what IS wrong with me. rock and a hard place

I found a new apartment last week in the city so that I can move from yet another small town where I don't actually know anyone. I have to spend the night there tomorrow night so that I can have the gas turned on. (The lady on the phone couldn't give me a smaller window than 7:30am-5:oopm!) Keep in mind that I haven't actually moving ANYTHING into this apartment yet. So, my plan at this point is to pack some picnic food and sodas and books and some boxes of stuff for the kitchen so the day won't go to waste. It would be nice if they show up early in the day, but I'm not that lucky.

I'm also going to take some before and after photos and post them so that the one person who reads this can get the full effect. (Granted, she is the only person I have told about this blog, but still...)

it is dangerous to be happy

I was on my blogwalk today at work when I came across an entry from Woulda Coulda Shoulda
that really spoke to me. The link is to the entire entry, but these are the words that stuck with me.
"...it is dangerous to be happy.
When you love people, when you allow them to become indispensable parts of your life, they will leave a hole behind if they leave you. And by 'Leave you' I don't just mean packing up and taking off, I mean anything that takes them out of your life, there are a million ways that can happen, and the end result is the same: Loss."

If there was one thing that I had the nerve to say, it would be this..."What do you really want your life to be about? What do you want it to say about you? Do you really want the sum of your life to be a college degree and a pile of bodies? Cuz, my friend, that is the direction in which you are heading."

It's 3am and I can't sleep

I'm blogwalking at 3am and I could probably sleep but I really don't want to and the only thing on television is paid programing....on USA is an AeroGarden...for some reason I don't have sound on this channel so I don't know what the deal is but they have lots of shots of families with this space-age looking thing that looks like a mini garden on the countertop....my very first thought when seeing this thing was..."Wow, imagine how easy it would be to grow pot in that thing!" I've never smoked anything in my entire life and that was my first thought when seeing this product, imagine what the weirdos normally up at this hour could come up with! Here...I found it on the net...doesn't it look like something from the jetson's?

http://www.mysecretpantry.com/theaerogardenrebate.asp